It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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