1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize