I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
