You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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