census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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