apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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