I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize