i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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