Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
someone threw a dead crab at me
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
