smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
