They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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