so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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