Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize