Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
