I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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