im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
