You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
