Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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