dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
