Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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