and you said cock pushups were impossible
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
