I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
