the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
