the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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