so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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