a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
