Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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