someone threw a dead crab at me
even my farts smell like vagina
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
