Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
