When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
