I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
