You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize