Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
