I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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