The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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