I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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