I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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