you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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