Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
