the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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