Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
