Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
