first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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