i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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