I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
