If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
