i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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