Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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