that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
