I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
