U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i may or may not be watching the land before time
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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