just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize
