My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
