We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
