I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
