So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
