I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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