i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
