What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
