Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
His nipple licking is glorious
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