Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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