I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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