I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
honey bunches of taint.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
