I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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